Wednesday, March 24, 2010

explaining 33.exp.002 Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

My first reaction, I’m ashamed to say, was blind panic. That night, and every night for weeks after, I had every light in the apartment on at all times. I didn’t sleep, didn’t eat, and rarely had a rational thought. I had no one I could confide in and I felt extremely alone and terrified. For two weeks, I took vacation and sick time from work as I tried to pull myself back together. I remember sitting up in bed for several nights, all night long, clutching a kitchen knife for protection. It finally occurred to me that if I were to fall asleep, I could seriously injure myself. I think that’s when I started to calm down a bit and begin the long journey of handling this part of my life.

Those two weeks after reading Communion are easily some of the worst times I have endured. To this day, I’m not sure how I got back on my feet and went on with the business of living, but I did. I went back to work, back to a social life, and back to family. I never mentioned it to anyone, although it dominated my thoughts and feelings. I bought other books on the subject, but I was unable to read them. I would get one or two pages in and feel myself beginning to fall apart again. I stacked them up to collect dust and moved on. I had a computer at the time, so I began searching there for information. For some reason, it was easier to digest from that source and I began learning. Each confirmation I found was difficult to accept; I so wanted to be wrong about this.
I came up with wild theories to explain what happened to me. At different times, I decided it was all in my imagination, that it was some kind of ghostly phenomenon, and that I had Spirit Guides. I searched through new age belief systems and more traditional religions. I spoke with people on the internet and tried to make myself believe it wasn’t happening at all. At one point, I decided I had a psychiatric disorder, but then had trouble explaining how it wasn’t affecting other areas of my life. If I was hallucinating, it stood to reason that I would be hallucinating at work and with others around as well. It finally occurred to me that the physical symptoms I was having could not be explained away. What kind of hallucination leaves bruises and puts your clothes on inside out? It may sound odd, but I was very upset when I finally came to this realization. If it had been merely something in my own mind, there was still hope of putting an end to it. Medication, therapy; there was hope of a cure. Not so with abductions. It goes on without your consent for your entire life and there is no control over it. However, the abduction phenomenon remains the only theory that ever encompassed all the symptoms I have experienced throughout my life. The day I accepted this, I felt very alone and afraid.

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